One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
