so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
