so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
