in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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