Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
