I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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