did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
