he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
