I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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