She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
