she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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