dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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