Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
