the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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