I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
