I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
