You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
