She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
