At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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