Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
