Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
