hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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