dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
