I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize