70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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