6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
