Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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