Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
