You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
