last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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