There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
