The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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