woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
