I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
