if i died would you start the facebook group?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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