my soul wont recognize me after tonight
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
