Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
