guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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