I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
