the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
