I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
