woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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