Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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