I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
