It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
