Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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