You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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