Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
