Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
