If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
