drinking out of a sandbucket again
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
