Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Watching her eat just hurts me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize