fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
