Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
