What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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