I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
