That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
