my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
