Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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