Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
